my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
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