Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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