see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Randomize
