Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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