I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
