Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
