your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
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