If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
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