So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
