well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
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