I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
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