i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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