when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
