The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
Randomize
