I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize