Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
