the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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