if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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