Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
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