Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
