If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize
