sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
