Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Randomize
