Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
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