You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
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