I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
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