I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
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