Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
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