Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
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