when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
