DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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