How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
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