Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
