I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
All I want is dick and wine.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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