Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
