Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
