Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
