I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
I just had sex on a roof
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Randomize
