Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
then he tried to convert me to islam
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Randomize
