Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
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