I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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