am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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