there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Randomize
