I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Randomize