I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
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