yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Randomize
