BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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