i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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