i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Randomize
