A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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