if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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