Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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