if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Randomize
