Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
My penis needs a shock collar
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize