You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
