I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Randomize
